Cullens Go To Therapy
by Jasper's Girl 4life
Summary: The Cullens go to therapy to learn to deal with thier "issues" Can Dr.Pazzo fix there problems? Read to find out.lots of randomness and real stupidity just because its fun that way...cut me some slack its my first fanfic
1. The Red Marker

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight not me **** thought I wish I did**

Chapter 1- The Marker

Carlisle POV

Once again my screwed up children were fighting.

On what? ... A marker... a red marker!

They claimed it was "blood in a tube". Yea right as if that's possible. I swear sometimes they could be as dumb as Emmett. Well except Emmett, it was predictable for him.

Emmett was holding the marker while everyone fought each other to reach it, except Bella. She was just there as Edward's shield. Yes, a human shield. His theory: no one would hurt Bella so she was his "mass weapon".

Jacob was just there so Edward would lose. Stupid, Ignorant Jacob.

"That's it give me the marker right now... It's not even blood its ink!" I said exasperated, "this is why we never listen to Emmett. You people are so gullible."

"I didn't buy it for a minute," said Edward.

"Right," I said sarcastically.

"You used me as your shield, you idiot!" screamed Bella and then she tripped. On what? The marker!

"Bellie," sang Emmett, "You have anger issues and you're a klutz why do we keep you around again?" he laughed.

"Shut up! Who the hell left the marker here you idiots! She screamed ... again, "And apparently you keep me around because I make a good shield!" She glared at Edward.

Poor Bella, her and all those awful issues, she really needs to calm down. I'm surprised Edward's not defending her... Nope no defending there.

"Hey I'm not gonna lie you do make a good shield." Edward alleged.

This family really is crazy... Hmm maybe it would help if they all went to...

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" yelled Edward cutting me off.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" yelled Alice. Wow this is getting annoying. I should have blocked my thoughts from these people I call "my children".

"Alright will someone please tell me what's going on I'm so tired of private conversations," said Rosalie.

"Everybody, we are all, that means you to Bella and Jacob, going to therapy," I announced.

Muahah...haha...ha...ha

Teaches them to piss me off!

"Not funny Carlisle," Edward said rolling his eyes.

"Oh but it is, Muahahahahahahaha...ha," I said grinning evilly.


	2. DrCrazy and the Fates

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight or any of the characters even though I wish I did...they all rock ( well most of them)**

**Chapter 2: & the Fates **

**3rd person POV**

Carlisle was flipping through the phone book looking for doctors for his crazy kids, Jacob, and Bella to go and see.

"Wow, there are like no doctors in Forks, aside from me" Carlisle said... to himself. "Oh this doctor looks good"

The name read Dr. Pazzo (Italian for crazy), on Fou street ( French for crazy).

"Everybody, your new therapist is Dr. Pazzo, his office is on Fou street" Carlisle announced.

"Carlisle you idiot we are going to Dr. Crazy on crazy street! Yeah that sounds like a good therapist!" Edward yelled.

Dumb Edward, and all his spare time before Bella, I mean who has time to learn both French and Italian in 100 years...clearly not Emmet.

"Alright Esme and I have decided what each of you will be going there for" Carlisle explained. "First Bella will be going for clumsiness."

That caused the whole room to burst out laughing.

"You all shouldn't be laughing so much if I were you because yours is just as bad as Bella's," yup that quieted them down.

"Next Edward you will be going for your possessiveness over things such as Bella and your car," Esme said.

"Jacob you are going for you emotional and anger issues, Rosalie for vanity and inconsiderateness of others feelings, Emmett for your uneducated decisions..."

"Wait your sending me there for being dumb!" Emmett huffed. Everyone was rolling on the floor laughing ... that is everyone who hadn't already gotten there sentence... I mean "problem".

"Can I continue now? So Alice you are going for your shopping addiction..." Yet again Carlisle was interrupted. This was getting old fast.

"Carlie no you can't do that they'll take away my shopping and credit cards... my poor, poor credits cards all alone... not being spent...they can't they just can't" Alice wept.

"Ok, Alice enough with the drama... last but not least Jasper you will be going there for your ... um how can I say this.. You're..." Esme was at a loss of words.

"Hahahahahahahahaah, Jazz there sending you there for your "emo" issues hahahahahahaha," Edward boomed throwing his head back.

"You think I'm emo," said Jasper sadly. Everyone laughed...again.

"Hey if we have to go then why don't you guys," said Rosalie

"We don't have any problems do we Esme," Carlisle said.

"I can't think of any," Esme said thoughtfully.

"Well if we have to then so do you or we aren't going," said Emmett.

"Fine, fine but I highly doubt the doctor will have any problems with me or Esme," said Carlisle.

Yea we'll see about that when the time comes thought Edward. Welcome to my personal hell thought Bella

**What do you think? Should I continue? Press that little blue button and tell me what you think. I'm sorry if it's bad it's my first fanfic. Shout out to my bestie and significant other in writing this story Julia! **

**Love ya, **

**Francesca **


	3. The Office

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight **

**Chapter 3: The Office**

**Edward's POV**

Bella, Jasper, Alice and I went in the Volvo and Esme, Carlisle, Emmet and Rosalie went in the Jeep. We went up the elevator and to the third floor where Dr. Crazy ... I mean Dr. Pazzo had his torture room, I mean office. When we got off the elevator there was a crazed looking person on the bench outside Dr. Crazy's office.

"It's ok, it's alright, I'll be fine, it's ok, it's alright..." he kept repeating over and over again while rocking himself in the fetal position. **(You know who you are)**

Emmett being the idiot that he is started booming with laughter at this which made the crazy patient rock faster chanting louder. Yea, he looks normal. See this is why you don't go to a doctor whose name is DR. Crazy ! We just bought a ticket to a ride on the crazy train. Hahaha how ironic

"Personal Hell" Bella wept

"Come on in Cullen's it's time for your 10:30 appointment!" Dr. Pazzo yelled from inside his office.

Everyone filed into the bright white room and sat on the blinding white couch across from the glossy white desk where he was sitting in his tomato red chair. Yes, a bright red chair

Wow he knows how to match. Now I know what everyone sees when we smile at them with all that bright white. This colour is so bright I feel like I'm in one of those padded cells in the mental institution. Ha I'm in Dr. Crazy's mental institution where he gives us counselling. How ironic? It seems the others were thinking about the same thing.

The only things that stood out in this room were the red chair and him. Did I mention the atrocious outfit he was wearing?

OMG I'm turning into Alice. Did I just say OMG? Great now I'm turning into Rose to?

"Edward...Edward?" Bella said as she waved her hand frantically in front of my face.

"What?" I asked casually.

"You were staring into space blankly for about ten minutes," Jasper explained.

Oh? Back to his miss matched outfit...

"Edward," Dr. Pazzo said , "can you answer my question?"

"Umm... 2 pie r?" yea that always seems to be the answer

"No, I was asking if you were ok but it seems you answered that question for me already," Dr. Pazzo said quizzically as he scribbled on his note pad.

"Alright everyone except Bella is excused for a short period while I have my first session with Bella," instructed Dr. Pazzo

I wonder why he didn't pick me first. He was bugging me right?

_Well she should be easy she looks the most normal _though Dr. Pazzo

I can't blame him. I sounded dumb, Alice was chanting my poor babies while rocking back and fourth with her knees to her chest, Rose was talking to herself while looking in the mirror saying hello there gorgeous, and Jasper and Emmett were playing pattie cake while Jacob sat in the back and twirled his long black hair while saying how luscious, how smooth over and over again. Is he gay? Yeah I'm the only real man here.

This was going to be a long day

**Thanks for the comments guys and for faving me. I really appreciate it. Next chappy is Bella's and Edward's first session with Dr. Pazzo . Now press that little blue button and review this. I know you want to. D**

**Luv ya,**

**Francesca **


	4. Bella and Edward's Session

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight all is Stephanie Meyer's **

**AN: Thanks to everyone who faved me and added me to their stories alert and reviewed. More people added me to their favourites then actually reviewed. Even if it's just "I like it" I'll be very satisfied! **

**Ok rant over **

**Chapter 4: Bella and Edward's Session **

**Bella's POV **

"Ok Bella I understand your here for your balance problems," said Dr. Pazzo calmly scribbling on his stupid note pad.

"Yes I'm what they call a 'klutz'," I said mentally rolling my eyes at this stupid session. I mean you don't go to a therapist for balance issues. You go to an Equilibrium Doctor not this creeper. However, I endured my sentence silently.

"WELL WITH ME YOU LIVE WITHOUT ME YOU DIE, LIVE, DIE, LIVE, DIE, LIVE, DIE...!" **(I actually had someone yell at me and my class like that, a priest to be exact lol) **he continued with his rant making some weird up and down hand gestures, with a face as red as a tomato, it really matched the chair. What the hell was that why was he randomly yelling at me like a crazy person and how as this in any way helping me with my "problems"! He seriously is crazy. This has nothing at all to do with being a klutz?

**Emmett POV **

"What the hell are they doing in there?"

_Edward maybe you should go in and help her _I thought toward him.

"Oh I'm sure she'll be fine," he said waving his hand nonchalantly.

So much for over protection

**Bella's POV**

He stood there yelling at me for a good hour. For what reason? I'm still not sure myself after about an hour. What does this even have to do with being a klutz? But then again his name is Dr. Crazy. Everything about his seems ironic! My homework... walk on a block of fire? Yes you heard correctly WALK ON FRICKEN FIRE! He even wanted to see the burns on my feet next session to prove it! This guy belongs in a MENTAL INSTITUTION! Good thing Edward would have none of that and I wouldn't have to do it.

Yea that was way off from what he actually said to me. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE SAID. 'Sucks to be you' then he started to laughing so hard that he fell on the floor really hard and the white tiles started shaking. WHAT A GREAT BOYFRIEND!

Jacob said "OMG girlfriend I feel for you girl."

That caused Edward to freak out yelling 'SHE IS NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND NORE WILL SHE EVER BE'.

"Chilax brother-man" retorted Jacob.

"I AM NOT YOUR BROTHER YOU RETARTED MUTT, NO ONE WANTS YOU TO BE HERE. GET SOME FRIENDS OR GO BACK TO YOUR DOGS IN LAPUSH BEFORE I LA PUSH YOU OFF THE CLIFF!"

What the hell is wrong to him today he's lost his self control and his overprotection? Seriously, this office is making him crazy.

"Yea Jake, I really don't want you here," I said timidly.

"Yea why are you even here," the others chimed in. Even the doctor? What's up with that?

"WHATEVA MAJOR LOSERS I'm outa here. Peace!" he said with the hand symbols (W.E.M.L)

"Ok Jacob I guess I will be seeing you tomorrow for a private session instead," said Dr. Pazzo pulling out his schedule. Schedule? Where did that come from?

"Yea, see you tomorrow for our date," Jacob said then winked, blew kisses and finally left. Seriously does he not realize the doctor is not gay?

"So I guess after that outburst we know who's next, Edward take a seat the rest of you, well you know what to do," said Dr. Pazzo

Muahahaha now he gets to suffer the torture of Dr. Crazy.

**Edward's POV **

"Ok Edward hold on one second and let me get prepared for our session," said Dr. Pazzo while excusing himself and walking into his closet. Wait he has a closet? Why didn't I notice that before? Oh right maybe because the whole room is WHITE! With the exception of the chair. Before I could think of anything else came back bald, wait was he wearing a bald cap?, dressed in long white tunic and round glasses and some brown sandals **(outfit on profile). **He started lighting candles and putting on some calming music. Was he dressed like Ghandi?

"Ok, Edward I am going to start with a very calming session today to deal with your anger issues and give you a good role model to look up to," said Dr. Pazzo calmly like talking to a three year old.

"Umm ok but I'm not sure this is exactly what I came for I mean Carlisle and Esme said that I was here for my possessiveness towards things," I said questioning whether or not I should have said that considering the angry glare he was giving me.

"ARE CARSLISLE AND ESME THE DOCTORS NO! DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO I AM THE ONLY ONE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO AND WHEN TO DO IT WHEN YOU ARE. IN THIS OFFICE IN THIS BULIDING I AM GOD! " **(got this last part from Matilda)** Whoa did I just see steam come out of his ears. His face was matching the chair. What happened to the peace and calming facade? Now I know who to never piss off. Seriously, this man is scarier than a vampire and I would know, trust me. CRAZY!

"Now, Edward your assignment for next week is to let Bella paint your car a bright pink without getting mad and you have to drive around with it till our next session, do you think you could handle that," he said calmly. Is he bipolar? He goes from crazy psycho to calming Ghandi. Talk about a 360 turn around.

"Umm sure," I said still thinking about his rant and not about what he just said. What did he just say? Oh... right I have to...WHAT! I am never ever, ever, ever doing that unless Carlisle approves of murder.

"Ok, bye Edward," he said sweetly shoving me out the door.

When I got out I saw Alice rolling on the floor holding her sides laughing. Stupid future seeing vampire that saw the whole thing, why couldn't she have warned me at least.

"Carlisle, you don't actually expect me to do that do you?" I said fuming.

"Edward as much as you don't approve you must listen to the doctor because he knows what's best and just like Bella you will have to endure your sentence."

Why the hell did I laugh at Bella when mine was so much worse?

I have a feeling we aren't going to get along to well with Dr. Pazzo .

**Thanks everyone for all your support. Thanks Julia for helping me with this story. Now press that blue button and REVIEW, REVIEW, and REVIEW. I know you want to: ) ****or I'll make Dr. Pazzo find you and give you a sentence too. **

**Luv ya, **

**Francesca **


	5. Faliure of Lies

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all. I just like messing with the characters :P **

**Sorry for making you all wait so long. This week has been really crazy so I haven't had much time to update. Please don't hate me****. **

**Chapter 5-Faliure of Lies **

**Emmett POV **

Now it's my turn. Great! I hate this. I mean who goes to a therapist for BEING DUMB! Especially going to a crazy therapist! I am not dumb. I just sometimes say "uneducated" things. Whatever, I just hope for his mental wellbeing that he doesn't yell at me like he did to Bella and Edward. I guess I'll just have to try and not piss him off. Wow, I just thought that like it's possible. As I entered the room I saw what he was now wearing. He was dressed as a clown? Yes, your heard correctly a clown. Why you ask? Well, I can't even answer that myself.

"Hello Emmett, I am guessing you are wondering about my current attire. The answer to why I am dressed as a clown is because I thought this was a good way to catch your attention and keep you focused. This method seems to work on children so it surely must work on you," explained Dr. Pazzo speaking really slowly like talking to a child.

"Why would you think that Doc?" I asked still confused about "his method".

"Well Emmett I understand you are here for being ...well how can I phrase this nicely...stupid," Dr. Pazzo said explaining the theory of my confusion.

"Yup that's what Daddy has brought me here for," I said using my "dumb" voice just so we could get this stupid session over with. I stared absentmindedly at the wall and noticed in the very back corner a small framed certificate. Why didn't anyone notice that before? Oh, right I guess they must have been too busy getting yelled at. The certificate was awarded to John Doe. Hmmm isn't that the name they give to unidentified patients at the hospital **(it actually is a name they give to people before they find out who they are). **I wonder if he actually is a therapist or if he changed his name to Dr. Pazzo?

"Hey Doc, why is your doctoring certificate given to John Doe?" I asked somewhat curious and the other half of me wanting to waste time so I don't have to be given a punishment.

He turned red really fast and replied quickly, "That's my wife's certificate not mine."

"But that's a guy's name?" I replied questioning his sanity and if he was gay or not.

"They were a poor family. They could only afford one name." he said curtly obviously trying to move on with the subject.

"But you don`t have a ring on your finger or a picture of her on your desk."`I said clearly seeing through his facade of failure lies.

"I do not were a ring to keep it away from FREAKS LIKE YOU! I DON`T HAVE A PICTURE OF HER ON MY DESK BECAUSE I DON`T WANT PATIENTS LIKE YOU STALKING HER AND I don`t know DRINKING HER BLOOD OR SOMETHING!" he yelled turning as red as the chair. Now I know why he keeps that thing around. Great! The vampires out of the bag. Good thing the secret`s out. Now I don`t have to hide my mad vampire skills. `

"Don`t worry Doc we only drink animal blood not humans were vegaterians," I said trying to calm him down and convince him were not the bad vampires.

"What are you talking about Emmett and why do you drink blood at all, I didn`t mean that literally I was just trying to make a point," Dr. Pazzo asked while scribbling on his note pad. Oh crap he`s writing this shit down.

"Ha Ha Ha...psh I don`t... I was just uh... trying to add to your rant and all," I said nervously.

"Oh, good thing to... I thought you were a I don't know ... vampire or a leech or something." he said relieved.

"Ha no vampires here Doc, none at all, what so ever," I replied without humour. That was a close one. I mentally wiped the sweat off my forehead.

"Good to know, now on with the session," he replied clearly not seeing my worrisome expression.

The rest of the session included a long discussion about not saying things that will make me look stupid using the convenient current example. I swear everyone seems to look really dumb when in this office which only makes his job easier and better for him to judge us. By the end of the session I was seriously considering busting through the wall and making a run for it just for something to do I mean this guy can go on for hours and still make you bored out of your mind. Finally when I thought it was all over, and he told me the session ended, when I was about to walk through the door he decides to tell me that I have to take a University course and bring back university level notes so he can asses my progress. Yea I`m sure he can asses university level notes when he probably didn`t go to university at all judging by that faker then fake certificate. Whatever I`ll probably have to do it anyways because Carlisle always makes us stick to our "commitments". Oh well at least I don`t have to walk on fire or paint my car pink. The torture has ended and has been passed off to the next patient; Rosie.

**Thanks everyone for reading my story and for commenting. Rosalie and Jacob are next to endure the wrath of Dr. Pazzo. So press that little blue button and review for me. I`ll update faster if you do. **

**Luv ya, **

**Francesca **


	6. I'm the One Who Understands You

**Disclaimer:****do not own anything I just like messing with the Cullen's mind :p**

**Chapter 6-I'm the One Who Understands You **

**Jacob POV**  
Oh my gosh! I have a date today... I mean like totally awesome therapy session with my lover, I mean Dr. Pazzo... my therapist. It's so obvious that he wanted private session with me because he's totally in love with me. I mean how couldn't anyone love this face, clearly not Bella, but whatever. Just because she can't take my total hotness, and just because I'm a little bit homo doesn't mean anything. It's her fault I gave up on girls. Just because I'm part dog says nothing about my real self. I mean any girl should love me because I can like totally help them with their fashion and like getting their hair as good as mine. I mean just because I'm not sparkly and pale like those gorgeous Cullen men, no it doesn't mean anything Ok. Just because Carlisle, Dr. DILF, is not the least bit interested and is married to his wife of like 200 years doesn't mean I gave up on doctors or old people. I mean if it works for Bella I'm sure it can work for me. I have a feeling Dr. Pazzo is going to be crazy for me, no pun intended.

"Jacob, it's your turn, enter my office please;" He called from his office.  
**(What he heard)**  
"Babe, enter to come and find me in my chamber of love," he said seductively.  
Ha! See I told them that he wanted me. Alright, if he wants it like that then I'll give it to him like that. I strutted in whipping my hair back and forth and sat there in his lap in that bright red chair showering him in my luscious locks.  
"Get off of me! What are you doing!" he yelled at me pushing off his lap.  
" Oh baby, I know you want me you don't have to hide it any more, your secrets are safe with me," I told him putting a finger to his lip to stop him from talking.  
"Jacob, I am not a homo sexual get it through your hair covered head! I am not discriminating against gays but this is not appropriate and I cannot take any more of your advances. Please for the love of all that's holy leave me alone or I will transfer you to another therapist! I'm sure I can find at least one that can suit your...needs!"My lover yelled Hmm...That's why he keeps that chair around. OMG he's playing hard to get! I'm sure he's just saying that because he hasn't come out of the closet yet. I mean we all know he's totally lying about having a "wife". Like it's either he's gay, which I hope, or he's lying, which is also a good outcome. Its fine I'll just be extra good untill he warms up to me. This loosely translates into telling him about my "emotional problems". Good thing he's not a homophobic like my last doctor or totally not open to experimenting like Dr. DILF Whatever I guess I'll just have to pull out the big guns on this one.

"Lov...I mean Dr. Pazzo, can I just go out for one quick moment to get something important," I said politely while crossing my legs sitting patiently for his response.

"Sure Jacob, just make it quick so we can get back to our session... by the way I charge by the hour," he said annoyed.

"No worries Doc I'll be back before you can say werewolf," I said swiftly while moving it out the door to my car.

Good thing I always keep my guitar in the trunk. I can wait to give him the biggest performance of his life, then he'll love me for sure. I guess I'll just have to change the song a little to fit the situation. Good I made it back in record time. I made my way to Dr. P and sat on his desk with my guitar and started to sing:

**(I kind of changed the song a bit)**

**You're on the phone with your wife, She's upset  
She's going off about something that you said  
She doesn't get your homo like I do  
I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday session**

**I'm the kind of boys she doesn't like  
And she'll never know your gay like I do**

**But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts**  
**She's a therapist and I'm a werewolf**  
**Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find**  
**That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time**

**If you could see that I'm the one who understands you**  
**Been here all along so why can't you see?**  
**You belong with me**  
**You belong with me**

Just then Emmett walked in looked around the room taking everything in and then started laughing so hard he fell over. Then he got up and said "I'm sorry I'll just leave... you... two... alone," he said with a laugh in between each word. Somehow I knew Alice had something to do with it.

**Coming to your office with you in your red chair  
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be  
Laughing on the white sofa thinkin to myself  
Hey isn't this easy?**

**And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town**  
**I haven't seen it in awhile, since she brought you down**  
**You say you find I know you better than that**  
**Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?**

**She wears high heels, I wear sneakers**  
**She's a woman and I'm a guy**  
**Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find**  
**That what you're looking for has been here the whole time**

**If you could see that I'm the one who understands you**  
**Been here all along so why can't you see?**  
**You belong with me**  
**You belong with me**  
**You belong with me**

"Alright, well Jacob that was really beautiful except the werewolf part, I don't understand that, regardless I do think though that you really have to understand I do not want a relationship with you. First of all it's not legal and second of all I am not at all interested," he stated simply.

"Doc, I understand completely," I replied, "I know you're really trying to say that I should wait till I'm of age and then our love can flourish, that's fine just remember I'll always be waiting in the wings once you leave your wife so I can take her spot, now back to the session."

He smacked his face in exasperation and sighed.

"Alright, so what are you here for again?" he asked exhaustedly.

"I think I was sent here for my emotional problems but clearly I don't have issues with that," I stated

"Sure you don't," he said while starting his lesson on dealing with emotions and counting to 10 when being angry.

Well that went well know all I have to do is come to a couple more session and I'll have him hooked. Did I mention my punishment is to make people annoy me and then try to count to ten to calm myself.

**I hope you liked it! Sorry I didn't update sooner. Review or I'll send Jacob to sing for you. Stay tuned for Rose's session**


End file.
